REGRETTING SAYING SOMETHING HORRIBLE

SOMETIMES I LET A PROBLEM go for a long time, and then when I bring it up, I say something just awful. How do I recover from this?”

The Danger Point

When other people do things that bother us, and then we tell ourselves a story about how they’re bad and wrong, we’re setting ourselves up for an unhealthy conversation. Of course, when we tell ourselves an ugly story and then sit on it, it only gets worse. Stories left unattended don’t get better with time—they ferment. Then, when we eventually can’t take it anymore, we say something we regret.

The Solution

First, don’t repress your story. Use your STATE skills early on, before the story turns too ugly. Second, if you have let the problem build, don’t hold the crucial conversation while angry. Set aside a time when you can discuss it in a calm fashion. Then, using your STATE skills, explain what you’ve seen and heard, and tentatively tell the most simple and least offensive story. “The way you just told me that our neighbor thinks I’m a real idiot has me worried. You smiled and laughed when you said it. I’m beginning to wonder if you take pleasure in running to me with negative feedback. Is that what’s going on?”