WON’T TALK ABOUT ANYTHING SERIOUS

MY SPOUSE IS THE person you talked about earlier. You know, I try to hold a meaningful discussion, I try to work through an important problem, and he or she simply withdraws. What can I do?”

The Danger Point

It’s common to blame others for not wanting to stay in dialogue as if it were some kind of genetic disorder. That’s not the problem. If others don’t want to talk about tough issues, it’s because they believe that it won’t do any good. Either they aren’t good at dialogue, or you aren’t, or you both aren’t—or so they think.

The Solution

Work on me first. Your spouse may have an aversion to all crucial conversations, even when talking to a skilled person. Nevertheless, you’re still the only person you can work on. Start with simple challenges. Don’t go for the really tough issues. Do your best to Make It Safe. Constantly watch to see when your spouse starts to become uncomfortable. Use tentative language. Separate intent from outcome. “I’m pretty sure you’re not intending to. . .” If your spouse consistently seems unwilling to talk about his or her personal issues, learn how to Explore Others’ Paths. Practice these skills every chance you get. In short, start simply and then bring all your dialogue tools into play.