Don't control them RULE 53 There's a fine line between over-protectiveness and bullying. I know people who bully their partner in no uncertain terms. Some do it aggressively while others do it quietly but firmly. They insist their partner does things a certain way, and use moodiness and atmosphere and non-cooperation to ensure that their partner complies. I know one man who always insists that the kitchen table is kept clear at all times. His partner would like to be able to use it to put things on from time to time ­ it is a table after all ­ but he refuses to countenance anything being put on it other than crockery and cutlery at mealtimes. This is not open to discus- sion, and she is not allowed an opinion on the matter. Now if this were an isolated incident, it might be just an irritating quirk. But it's only one of countless similar examples in their lives. He is not only controlling his own environment ­ which he's enti- tled to do ­ but he's also controlling her. He wouldn't see it himself, but he's a bully. I have another friend who had a troubled childhood and was in a sorry state when she took up with a man a couple of years after leaving school. He wanted to look after her and protect her, and helped her enormously to get her life back on track. After a while she felt able to stand on her own feet, but he still wanted to help so he continued to tell her what she should and should- n't do, and to be quite forceful when he felt she was making the wrong decisions. In other words, he was controlling her. He wouldn't have used that word, and he'd have insisted it was only for her own good, and indeed I'm sure his motives were gen- uine. But although he was being over-protective rather than a T H E R U L E S O F LO V E 112