APPENDIX A

A Guide to Behavioral Repertoires

Experience is a great teacher, except when it isn't. What we make of experience—and whether it serves us or harms us—depends on the knowledge we build out of it. And make no mistake: we're all master knowledge-builders, able to turn the most random events into knowledge about the world and how to operate in it. Much of this knowledge—what I call experiential knowledge—lies outside our awareness, where it's difficult to see or assess. Worse yet, the interpretive strategies we use to build that knowledge also lie outside our awareness, making it hard to update and revise what we know as our circumstances change and we ourselves grow.

This guide offers a brief overview of the experiential knowledge and interpretive strategies that define our behavioral repertoires: the characteristic ways we respond to people.¹ I used this guide to map the experiential knowledge that Chris and Peter brought to their relationship (Chapter Five) and that Dan and Stu brought to theirs (Chapter Ten). You can use it to reflect on your own experiential knowledge and on how you're building and revising it.